A year since I miscarried......

This past week I have had the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 121 come to my mind numerous times....

My son (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity

 and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee

on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes. 

 

I have been thinking mostly about the line...if thou endure it well. I have been reflecting about this time last year. After trying to have a baby for a year and getting pregnant, I was on cloud 9 and couldn't be happier. Then it all came crashing to an end when I miscarried our little baby. I had never felt such loss in my life and was such a wimp about it! Although it was so emotionally draining, I felt hope that we would get pregnant again soon and that it would be a matter of months.  After 6 months I started to worry and we started again going to a fertility specialist again. Was diagnosed with PCOS. 

     I cannot believe it has been a whole year now since we lost our precious baby. I have thought many times... Heavenly Father please just take this trial away from me then, my thoughts were overcome, I remembered what the Savior said as he suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will but thine, be done." He was told....THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. We need to go through these trails to learn to rely on the Savior, learn what we need to learn to become perfect and live with God. I see friends struggle through infertility and they are so strong and I have felt so weak and wonder if I am enduring it well. If enduring it well means crying every month, crying when a Johnson and Johnson commercial comes on then I guess I have done well:) I have felt like for so long I was praying for a miracle to happen not realizing the miracle that was already happening inside of me. Yet I still struggled. One night I sat up and read about PCOS and how with fertility treatments has about a 8-10% chance each month while on the medication. I was just so discouraged and cried for like an hour and prayed to continue to have hope and be positive. Infertility is hard when you face disappointment after disappointment over and over, month after month. 

     One night while I was working on our finances, I was curious about how much money we have spent on infertility the last 2 years. I printed off a paper for Jeremy breaking it all down for him. Here it is..

 

1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him: 

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill his promise to us." President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I am 10 weeks pregnant right now and could not feel more happy and blessed right now. With PCOS there is a 45% chance of miscarriage with each pregnancy but I am taking medication to prevent that so my odds are about the same as a normal pregnant women. This may sound weird but I am just now starting to let myself feel the joy of this pregnancy. I have been so nervous that I will miscarry again that I have not wanted to get too excited about it because I remember the pain from last time. I pray that this baby will be healthy and strong but if I miscarry I know that with the Savior and some healthy crying I can find peace. The medication makes me sick for about 2-3 hours after I take it so I have been taking it at night and that helps. I cry when I think of holding our sweet precious baby in my arms!

WOO HOO!!!!